Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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