Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
