I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i was born a porn star she said
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
