Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
