maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
