I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
