I hate your face
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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