the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
