I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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