Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
