false alarm. still invincible.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Randomize
