Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
