Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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