I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I fill condoms, not promises.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize