in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i think i just lost a toe
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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