last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Alive.
So much puke
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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