People in love make me want to vomit
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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