Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize