i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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