my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
