We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
