We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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