that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
