her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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