awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
