if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
