dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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