my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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