piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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