he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They took my balls.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
