how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
