i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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