Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
do nipples grow back?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
