I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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