Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
