Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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