4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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