Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
