you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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