How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
