a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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