butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize