I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
