the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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