im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
smell my finger.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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