i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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