You're my little dorito
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
