I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think my moral compass just broke
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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