i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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