Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
