Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
barbara walters just said penis...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
