Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You smell like a Billy Joel song
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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