oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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