my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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