I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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