I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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