Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize