Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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