Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
