On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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