The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
