There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
