Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
