I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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