how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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